Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Creep (USA, 2014)

Nine Things About the Movie Creep

1. This is a found-footage horror film. People have been making found-footage horror films for almost 40 years, but for some reason film-makers still think they work.

2. This is not only one of the worst found-footage horror films I've ever seen, it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's not even "so bad it's good". It's just a piece of crap.

3. It's about a guy named Aaron that answers a Craigslist ad to go film a guy named Josef for 8 hours. Josef says he's dying of cancer and wants to make a movie for his unborn son (in the only honest moment of the movie, they at least admit they're copying the Michael Keaton film My Life).

4. From Josef's very first scene, you know he's the title of the movie. There are absolutely no surprises (or scares) in the whole thing. There are a few lame attempts at jump scares, but I didn't realize I was supposed to jump until after it was over.

5. It was written by two guys named Mark Duplass and Patrick Brice. It stars Mark Duplass and Patrick Brice. It was directed by Patrick Brice. I never want to see a movie with either one of them ever again.

6.  The movie was originally going to be called Peachfuzz, but they changed it because they didn't want to confuse the audience. If you are one of the unfortunate people that saw this movie, you will understand why it was going to be called that. Personally, I think Peachfuzz is a better title because it gives a better idea of how stupid the movie is.

7. Any adult that calls feet "tootsies" and taking a bath "tubby time" is automatically not my friend. Neither is anyone that can be knocked unconscious with a little bit of Benadryl in their whiskey. Neither is anyone that carries their camera everywhere except to where they're going to be killed.

8.  My friend and I had a fun time adding our own dialogue to the movie, and laughing when the characters actually said it.

9. OK, I'll be honest - I guess if you've never seen a horror movie before, this might be a little scary. But if you have seen any horror movie in your life, then just do yourself a favor and go do laundry instead. Nothing serious or threatening or creepy ever occurs. The only thing that really happens here is that you waste 80 minutes of your life.