Ouija (USA, 2014)

Nine Things About the Movie "Ouija" (USA, 2014)

1. This is basically just another lazy, uninspired jump flick. In fact, I finished seeing it 30 minutes ago, but I have to hurry up and write these Nine Things because I’m already starting to forget it.

2. It’s painfully obvious how this movie was made: The producers got together and said, “We need to get some Halloween dollars from the kids. Let’s make a movie about that game, the Ouija board. It hasn’t been the subject of a major Hollywood movie since ‘Witchboard’ back in ‘86, so kids today will think it’s fresh. Who has the rights to the Ouija board now? Hasbro? The ‘Transformers’ people? Ok, somebody call them.”

3. So that’s what we have: a generically random script with generically attractive actors who wander around getting scared (and sometimes killed). When the “plot” needs to move along, a prop or character will suddenly appear and provide enough information for everyone to move to the next period of wandering around and getting scared.

4. If you really need to know the plot, it’s about a girl that kills herself after playing with the Ouija board. Her best friends think it’s a good idea to find out what happened - by using the same Ouija board.

5. This is the first horror movie I’ve seen where the evil spirit tries to be scary by writing “Hi friend” everywhere.

6. I know characters in horror movies are supposed to make stupid decisions. That’s part of the genre. But the characters in this movie make so many stupid decisions that I started laughing in the theater.

7. News flash, Hollywood: making people jump doesn’t mean you made a horror movie. I can suddenly scream ‘Boo!’ in front of a friend to make him jump. That doesn’t mean I just made a horror movie. Even if I charge him for it.

8. What’s funny is that a small scene actually explains how the Ouija board works - the ideomotor effect. The movie debunks itself, and then goes on to pretend it’s real anyway.

9.There are a few individually interesting scenes that prevent it from being the worst movie of the year, but it’s definitely not good. If you’re desperate to throw your money at a horror movie, then I’m not going to stop you. Otherwise, go buy your own Ouija board from the toy store, get stoned, and scare yourself instead.