Monday, December 22, 2014

The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies (USA, 2014)

Nine Things About the Movie The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

1. This is the third movie in the series of one children's book.

2. Being the sixth movie about Middle-Earth, it's not really worth describing the plot. You know what's going on, or you don't. But for those that don't know the story, and think this movie is really all about the dragon, you will be disappointed. If you notice, Smaug isn't even in the title of this film.

3. Being the last movie, everything is bigger in this one. The epic-ness is more epic. The melodrama is more melodramatic, and the corny humor is even cornier.

4. Orlando Bloom has either become almost completely computer generated, or has had way too much plastic surgery done. He doesn't look real. He actually looks like a plastic action figure.

5. Some of the battle scenes (and there are quite a few of them) are great, and almost awe-inspiring. Some of them look like amateur rip-offs of "300". And speaking of battle scenes, the orcs like to proclaim that "the fields will run with blood". But the only blood in the movie come from a few light scratches on cheeks. Nobody bleeds on the battlefield, even if their heads are cut off.

6. I thought I was on acid when I was watching Galadriel banish Sauron.

7. Note to self: If I want to win a war, I need to have the giant bear ride the giant eagles at the beginning of the battle, not the end.

8. For better or worse, Peter Jackson has re-invented Middle Earth, and strayed pretty far from the original book. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but people will forever think this was Tolkien's vision, when it was more Jackson's.

9. There's enough fan service in this movie that Middle-Earth addicts will probably proclaim this is the Best Movie Of The Year. But there are enough problems with it that haters will be justified in hating it even more. Most of the rest of us will just shrug our shoulders and say, "Meh. It was fine."