Only Lovers Left Alive (Britain, Germany, 2014)

Nine Things About the Movie Only Lovers Left Alive

1. This movie was written and directed by Jim Jarmusch. When you see Jarmusch's name on a film, you know right away that nothing will ever happen in it.

2. This movie is about two vampires that wander around, drive around, stare at things, talk, and do nothing. Random things slowly happen. And then the movie ends.

3. It's almost worth watching just to see the performances of Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston, the two ancient emo hipster vampires that are trying not to get bored with life. Or death, whatever.

4. Hiddleston plays Adam, a semi-suicidal musician who hates humans, so he lives in Detroit and releases music anonymously. Swinton plays Eve, who lives in Tangier, and finds joy in reading books and dancing. Together, they apparently knew every famous artistic person in Western history.

5. There is a weird little subplot about the Christopher Marlowe/William Shakespeare conspiracy.

6. There's also a weird recurring conversation about quantum theory, as well as Nikola Tesla. This just shows how embarrassingly little Jarmusch knows about science.

7. Visually, the movie is lush and sumptuous; it showcases the beauty of decay and the decay of beauty. Sonically, the movie is also luxuriously grungy. The soundtrack is a perfect match for the visual style.

8. Jarmusch almost seems to be making a point about humanity's self-destructive nature, or maybe the inevitable disintegration of everything. But Jarmusch fans don't need to worry; he stops himself from actually saying anything deep.

9. Jarmusch movies always have a tone that is more important than things like plot or character development. If you can get into that groove, then his movies are enjoyable. But you can't appreciate his vibe, then his movies swing from boring to annoying. This is possibly Jarmusch's best film - or his least annoying one, depending on your perspective.

Pompeii [Germany, Canada, 2014]

Nine Things About the Movie Pompeii

1. The only thing that most people know about Pompeii is that it was an Italian city destroyed by a volcano and buried in ash a long time ago. So this movie makes up the rest of the story.

2. The plot of the movie is as generic as you can get. You can almost hear the filmmakers say, “Well, the event happened in gladiator times. And it’s about a bunch of people who can’t escape where they are and they all get killed. So let’s make ‘Gladiator’ meets ‘Titanic’. And even though it’s in Italy, let’s make everybody talk with a vague sort-of-British accent.”

3. And that’s exactly what they did. It’s your basic poor-boy/rich girl story. It’s about a boy named Milo that is captured in war, becomes a slave, and then is sent to Pompeii to fight as a gladiator. While there, he meets Cassia, the daughter of the city ruler. They fall in love. Her dad is upset. The usual.

4. Meanwhile, the volcano starts acting up. For some reason, it only happens at night, like the volcano was some serial killer, and people start disappearing.

5. Besides the love story, there is a half-baked political subplot. Since we all know how the movie ends, the story is not only silly, it’s pointless. There’s no reason to care much about the characters.

6. The last half-hour of the film is all about the destruction of the city. It’s pretty cool to watch, and the 3D effects are well done.

7. The director did take a lot of time to make the city itself historically accurate, basing it on studies of the actual ruins. Historians give the movie points for this.

8. Scientists who study volcanoes say that the depiction of the volcano is also historically accurate, except for when it rains fireballs.

9. This is a simple, old-fashioned disaster movie that offers nothing special in terms of story, but is fun to watch.