I, Frankenstein (USA, 2014)

Nine Things about the Movie I, Frankenstein

1. One of the worst movies of 2014, this movie is really only useful to recalibrate your critical skills so you can better identify movies that are actually good.

2. The first 2 minutes of the movie summarizes the original story of “Frankenstein”, and picks up where the creature is mourning the loss of Dr. Frankenstein. So the title character of the movie is dead within about 120 seconds. But whatever.

3. While the creature is standing at the grave of his creator he is attacked by demons, who want to collect him. And it turns out that all those stone gargoyles on churches are actually alive. Their mission on Earth is to fight the demons. Somehow, the gargoyles see the attack on the creature, and come to his aid.

4. Nine minutes into the movie, the creature is brought before the Gargoyle Queen, who realizes that the creature doesn’t have a name. So she names him Adam. At this point, the movie should probably be named “I, Adam”. But whatever.

5. The demon leader is played by Bill Nighy, who also plays the vampire leader in the “Underworld” series. The filmmakers don’t even pretend that they aren’t copying that formula.

6. The demons have been trying unsuccessfully for centuries to animate corpses, but even with all the modern technology they can’t figure out how to do it. They desperately want Dr. Frankenstein’s scientific diary, since he reanimated a corpse simply with a tub of eels and a little lightning. They need the corpses so that demons from hell can possess them, since only bodies without souls can be possessed. Which completely invalidates all the other horror movies about possession and exorcism. But whatever.

7. At one point, the demons capture the Gargoyle Queen. This is bad for the gargoyles, because the Queen is the only one with a direct connection to Heaven. This seems to be pretty poor planning on God’s part. But whatever.

8. The special effects are not very impressive. The whole thing feels like a TV-movie. It’s not remotely suspenseful. During a pivotal scene where Adam confronts the demon leader, I was so not riveted that I paused the movie to check my Facebook.

9. There is something wrong with almost every single scene in the movie. It’s ridiculous. I actually think there’s a drinking game in here somewhere. But whatever.