Sunday, May 11, 2014

The Legend of Hercules (USA, 2014)

Nine Things about the Movie The Legend of Hercules 

1. This is surely the most misnamed movie of the year. It has absolutely nothing to do with the real Hercules myths.

2. This is basically just another generic gladiator movie, except the names of the characters are taken from Greek mythology. You’ve seen this movie before. Multiple times.

3. It’s about a power-hungry, violent king named Amphitryon who takes lands just for the gold and the work he can get out of the people. His wife, Alcmene, thinks he’s pretty much a worthless dick. She makes a pact with the goddess Hera to have sex with her husband, the king of gods, Zeus. She wants a son to take out Amphitryon. Hera agrees to help Alcmene, and says the boy Hercules will be the savior of the people.
(In the real story, Zeus just takes Alcmene because he wants to, and Hera hates Hercules so much that she tries to kill him and makes his entire life miserable).

4. Hercules is born, and falls in love his brother’s girlfriend, Hebe, so he is sent to die on the battlefield. He survives, is sold into slavery, and becomes a gladiator. He tries to get back to Hebe before she marries his brother. Blah blah blah.

5. Hercules spends all but about 10 minutes of the movie being just a regular man. He doesn’t believe his mother when she tells him he’s the son of Zeus. It’s not until he is in trouble and cries to Zeus for help that he gets a burst of extra strength. Then he just throws boulders around or whips people with lightning for a minute.

6. The fight scenes are a straight rip-off of “300”. I admit they are cool to watch - as long as you aren’t tired of the slow motion pecs-and-swords thing.

7. A lot of the special effects seemed kind of cheap. Even Zeus, who could have been badass, is... invisible. Seriously. The scene where Zeus impregnates Alcmene is just Alcmene moving her arms and legs while the bed sheets swirl around.

8. You can tell a scene is dramatic because there’s either a lightning storm, or else weird snowflakes float through the air, even when it’s warm outside.

9. If they made the movie about the real legend of Hercules, This could have been something. Instead, it’s a bland, unoriginal piece of crap that I forgot I had watched by the next day.