Transformers: Age of Extinction [USA, 2014]

Nine Things about the Movie Transformers: Age of Extinction

1. You can tell a Michael Bay movie from miles away - they have the same visual style, like everything takes place on a clear, windy, late afternoon. His movies are also big, loud, and dumb. Well, this is Bay’s biggest, loudest, and dumbest movie yet. But that's OK - you don’t go see a Michael Bay film for the story (which is good, because this has the worst script of all the Transformer movies).

2. This fourth Transformer movie is almost three hours long, because it’s really two different movies smashed together like cement and steel after a Decepticon attack.

3. The first story is about a Transformer named Lockdown who is hunting Autobots in order to capture Optimus Prime, who, it turns out, is some sort of galactic knight. There’s an unfocused religious tone to this film, where Autobots talk about having souls and looking for their Creator.

4. The second story is about how a corporation has discovered a new element, “Transformium”, which is an unstable metal. The corporation “mapped its genome” and can turn it into anything they want...like new Transformers. This is a stupid plotline (any high school chemistry student can tell you that elemental metals don’t have genomes) that only serves as a way to bring Megatron back from the dead.

5. The advertising for the movie highlights the Dinobots - kind of like Transformers, except dinosaurs. Yes, the Dinobots are totally badass. Too bad they only show up for about 20 minutes during the final battle.

6. The dialogue of the movie is clunky, and the humor is terribly cheesy. There are plot holes large enough for Optimus Prime to walk through. Speaking of clunky dialogue, it’s weird to see Mark Wahlberg spend more time being a protective dad than an action hero.

7. However, the action sequences are probably the best of all the Transformer movies. And let’s face it, that’s why we go to them. This movie provides ever-increasing spectacle, where bigger and bigger things get destroyed until it becomes almost numbing.

8. I know product placement is a thing, but it got out of hand in this movie. Why would you use Transformium to make Beats speakers or a My Little Pony toy? And when you see a Transformer painted like a package of Oreos, you know a line has been crossed.

9. As Bay himself once famously said, “I make movies for teenage boys. Oh dear, what a crime.” And that’s exactly what this is - a loud, shiny movie with fast cars, giant robots, lots of destruction, and a hot girl. And that’s it. If you can tap into your inner teenage boy, you will love this film. If not, then you might want to pick a different movie.