Friday, January 3, 2014

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones [USA, 2014]

Nine Things about Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

1. They aren’t calling this “Paranormal Activity 5” because it’s basically a spin-off, not a direct sequel. Although you won’t completely understand this movie unless you’ve seen the others.

2. It’s better than “Paranormal Activity 4”. But that’s not a compliment. Staring at the ceiling is better than “Paranormal Activity 4”. This is still one of the worst movies of 2014. When a movie studio releases a movie two days AFTER the holidays, even they know it’s crap.

3. This movie is different than the previous installments in that it’s not set among rich white people. It’s set among poor Latino people (the main character is an 18-year-old boy named Jesse). Other than that, it’s basically the same crap.

4. It takes about 30 minutes for anything plot-worthy to happen. Before that, it’s mostly a couple of teenage boys screwing around with a video camera. But after they break into a dead woman’s apartment, Jesse comes out with a new invisible friend. The invisible friend talks to Jesse through the old Simon electronic game, and catches him in trust falls.

5. It is explained to us that when you turn 18, you are ready for Satan because 18 = 6*3. Which is clearly 666.

6. The first actual sense of supernatural danger happens about 50 minutes into the movie. The movie lasts 80 minutes. You do the math.

7. Since this is another “found-footage” style movie, it means that 70% of the movie is deathly boring, 10% is super predictable, 10% is a collection of random scenes that make no sense, and 10% is when the characters do something really stupid.

8. When something interesting does happen (like the dog scene), they always cut away before you know what happens. Then they restart the camera back at something boring.

9. The last minute of the film is actually sort of clever, and shows a little bit of creativity. If you remember the first movie, my advice is just to watch the last 60 seconds of this movie and call it good.